J.D. Lomax

I haven’t tried the direct line to the Vatican yet, but….my contact solution has lasted for four and half years now.  And I’m not frugal with it.  I use a liberal amount to rinse my contacts, and I pretty much fill up the two reservoirs on my contact case.  To tell you the truth, I’m frightened.  Is this a sign of the apocalypse, or is it a minor miracle?  I am definitely the type of guy who would get miracles in the form of unlimited household products.  I wouldn’t get raised from the dead, I would just get the Never-Run-Out Head & Shoulders tube.  I called Joseph Cardinal Bernadin, but it turns out he’s dead.  I wish someone would have told me.  So either way, if this is is a sign of evil or a sign of some heavenly descencion, I’m more than a little worried.  I think I can handle the evil thing o.k., because  I’ve always sort of expected some evil shit to go down in my crib.  But I’m totally unprepared for any messiah-like visitation.  And I’m not talking about clean towels (note to self: check if I’ve had to buy laundry detergent in the last 4 1/2 years), I’m talking about spiritually.  You can count the amount of times I’ve prayed in the last twenty years on your penis.  And that includes you girls.  It’s either one time or zero times depending on your definition.  So, for my sake, let’s hope this is just a practical joke or I have some psychological repression that makes me forget I’ve replaced toiletry items.